Only Human

Last night I learned something the owners probably don’t want me to know: dogs are faster than humans!

I saw this on Animal Planet, on a show called "The Most Extreme." And let's just say the humans were not very extreme! Well, maybe extremely slow...

Not everyone knows this, but Animal Planet occasionally lets slip information like this in order to boost ratings among alert homebound pets. Also, there are moles that work at AP (literal ones!) that work to keep animals feeling empowered, encouraged, and ready for – well, I shouldn’t give everything away. Let’s just say it isn’t called Animal Planet for nothing. And let it be known that I’m very happy with my owners and don’t intend to take part in the more radical aspects of “Operation Unleashed.”

So anyway, it turns out that dogs are far more speedy than humans. They couldn’t catch us if they tried! Which explains why they don’t try.

This explains many things.

For example, it explains why they always refuse to race. Have you noticed that even though they walk down to the boxes with us, they never get in?


It also puts the leash in a new light. Whereas we’re led to believe that the leash is an expression of affection – “bound together for life” and all that – in reality they know they can only keep up with us if we do the pulling. They’re riding on our coattails, no pun intended.

If any humans are reading this I have a few suggestions.

First, change your diet. You need a healthy mix of tripe, fruit, and chicken blend. That processed stuff you eat – well, I wouldn’t eat it. Okay, I would, but not if I were in your shape (or lack thereof) (sorry, no pain no gain). And what is that you’re pouring milk into in the morning, some kind of sugary kibble? You should know better. Also, your salads look a little pale – just eat grass outside, it’s much more fresh and comes topped with mushrooms.

Second, you’re wearing far too many layers of clothing to the race meets. For speed, I suggest – well, let’s just say that I was “born to run” and I was also born in my “birthday suit.” A racing blanket is usually offered for modesty’s sake anyway.

And third, you’re really going to have to work on using all fours. We realize that you’re quite proud of being able to walk on your hind legs, but it’s getting a little old. If you want to impress the animal planet, you’re going to need a stride that will enable you to do 200 yards in 11 seconds.

Okay, now you’ve got no excuse. The animal kingdom is watching. Show us your stuff!