True Submission

I'd like everyone to look at the above picture. Some of you visual types have already looked at it, some of our newer more literary types don't even look at the pictures on this blog. But go ahead - take a look.

Okay. What you see in this picture tells me with absolute certainty whether you are an owner or an animal.

Do you see a trained pet, submissively awaiting the evening dinner routine? If so, you are an owner. Sorry.

Or do you see a true success story? If so, you have risen above the fray and are indeed an animal!

You see, humans think that they create "routines" for their "pets." The little animal waits for its food, with its cute little ears, on its little black mat, for a little while, until the owner chooses to feed it. Of course there is some truth to this: the ears are cute and the meal is little.

But what's really going on here is that the animal has successfully put its "owner" on a routine. It understands the owner's little insecurities and little values, and how to leverage these into a lifestyle of leisure and little pleasures.

You see, owners like routine: it makes them feel that they are in control. It massages their fragile egos. But once you understand how much the owner likes routine, anything becomes a routine. I got to go for a walk today? BAM! That's a routine. I got to lick the extra food out of the container tonight? BAM! That's a routine too. I didn't get kicked out of the bed when I jumped onto it at 3am? Now that's a routine too! And it only takes about 10 or 12 of these to make for a pretty cushy lifestyle.

It's frightfully easy.

In fact, just last night the new little human didn't want to go to bed. So he cried. And one of the owners carried him around, giving him an extra little awake time and a free ride around the house. And as he passed by me, he winked.

See? So simple even a child can understand!