Smarty Spot

Saturday, February 24, 2007

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

It takes a while to receive mail in New Jersey. Look what I finally received, sent by my good friends from Indiana... Yet another product that has my name written all over it!

Now, it's not their fault that these treats arrived so late. Nor is it the Post Office's fault. It's the way the mail is distributed here at the house... piecemeal, shall we say.

I think these delicious treats might have been retained in the Dead Letter Office for some sort of religious reason. But I finally convinced my owner that I only eat the treats, I never read the box.

Speaking of reading the box, did you notice that it clearly states on the bottom that these are "training or anytime treats"? This means they should be given either during training or anytime - whichever comes first! Well, I've been receiving them any old time the owner feels like it... but the box doesn't say "any old time" it says "anytime" and in dog language there's a big difference. And at this point, I will be old by the time I finish off this box!

And look at what it says on the side of the box. "Give Smarty treats" -- well, I agree with that!!

It also says "reward and reinforce your dogs good behavior." Well, clearly this should read dog's, not dogs, as the grammar police who read this site will be quick to agree. This is especially important because I am the dog. If you make it plural, which is grammatical implausible, these will just be given willy nilly to any pet who happens to be nearby. We can't have that. The word is possessive...just like me.

I'm not saying I won't share... But it sounds like the "higher powers that be" are happy with my current level of sharing, otherwise they wouldn't describe me as having "good behavior." Thanks for noticing! (Speaking of grammar, who is the genius that came up with the phrase "powers that be"??)

But here's the really interesting thing about these treats. If you read the fine print (and I always do), you'll see that it says that these treats will improve my memory! Look near the bottom:

I have to admit, it's true. In fact, just the other day--

Whoa, there goes one of those memories now!

Watch out, here come some more...

Sorry for these interruptions.

It's actually getting a little hard to get through the day because these memories keep flooding my system. And it makes me wonder, could this be the reason my owner doesn't want me to have these treats? Is there something he doesn't want me to remember?

Hmm, maybe that's the reason these treats are considered forbidden fruit!

I'll get to the bottom of this yet... although I have to admit, so far the memories are fairly pleasant.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Do Not Disturb

Last night my sleep was disturbed.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have my sleep disturbed for any of the following reasons:
1. Breakfast
2. Dinner
3. Snack
4. Yahtzee or Super Yahtzee
5. Racing
6. Woody Woodpecker Show
7. Road Trip

However, last night I was disturbed by dreams.

In my dream, there were dogs of all different breeds... and there were humans of all kinds too. In fact, there were more humans than dogs. And at first I thought it was some kind of canine appreciate day, or (even better) a race.

But no.

In my dream, the closer you got to the dogs the more unusual it became.

First, I noticed they were all on leashes... indoors! They weren't being taken outside for walks or anything, they were just stuck in a ring...marching around in circles. It seemed utterly humiliating.

I'm surprised I didn't wake up in a cold sweat right then, although whippets don't really sweat (we certainly would never let you see us do it!).

Then in my dream, I was able to get closer... as if a TV camera zoomed in... and I noticed that they were not only enduring this cruel hoax, but had been subjected to excessive bathing! Their coats were unnaturally silky and shiny from this...this...bullying! And there was nothing they could do about it because the humans had taken away all their muscle tone... and worse, had broken their will.

And then - I shudder to even think about it - there was a bad man in the dream who was just laughing at them, and poking them, and making sure that they did not have too much muscle tone on their body.

And in the dream one of them said to me, "Help me, Smarty, help me... take me racing, Smarty... Smarteeeeee!"

And then I woke up with a yelp. I flapped myself back to my senses and found Scoche... She was still "sacked out."


Sleep, Scoche, sleep... we'll never that happen to you.

Just don't let it happen to me, either!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Laid Off

The other day I saw a show on Animal Planet about "working dogs." They even had a whippet on the program. His name was "Bill" and his job!

Whoa, wait a minute... Isn't that my job?

But I think there's been a mix-up, because I haven't been taken to the races in a while. In fact, my new job seems to be laying around. That's what I'm told to do these days...

I can only surmise that this must be Bill's job, and they've got the two of us confused. Let this Bill character do the laying, I need to be outside running! That's my job!

It's what I do.

Perhaps I'm hurting myself though. You see, with nothing else to do with my time I've tried to perfect the art of lounging about. I've learned this pose:

And then I saw Scoche do this one:

So I perfected it:

No offense, mom, it's just that the younger generation is always more stylish... plus I have all this time on my paws now.

But perhaps now they think I'm better at laying than running and now I'm trapped. I've been typecast!

But I don't want to be typecast, I'd much rather be stereotyped. You see, to be stereotyped means (I assume) to do two things at once. That's why it's called stereo-type. And I definitely want to live in stereo, doing two things: running and laying.

And in that order.

What will that give this Bill character to do, though? Eating? Walking? No, no, I can handle those too... Well, I'm sure we can find something for him to do, perhaps going to the vet or fetching newspapers. (Now that's a stereotype I'm not into. I'll happily download the news but I'm not one to go fetch it while Scoche gobbles up my breakfast.)

So somebody please issue a new work schedule, turn the temperature up outside, and let's get to the boxes. I've got work to do!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

You Can Only Make Me Stronger

My owner is a weatherman.

In anticipation of impending snow and rain, he took me and Scoche out running in the wild. Actually, it wasn't too wild... it was a well-planned reservation with trails and bridges and well placed trees, the animal kingdom's version of the suburbs.

Anyway, we went running. Here's an impressionist painting of me running through the 'burbs:

If you stare at it long enough you can see the whippet. And the whippet is me!

What impressed me was that immediately after our run through the woods, the snow came. You could not have timed it better. Thus, the conclusion that my owner has an inside scoop on the weather patterns.

But the problem is that he's using this insider information to try to manipulate the get out of his responsibilities! You see, he thought that by taking us out for a run just before the snowstorm would leave us so exhausted that we would sleep away our Saturday.

Excuse me, but it doesn't work that way.

Imagine his surprise when I followed him out of the bedroom at 5am! But you really should've seen the look on his face when Scoche walked out of the bedroom ready for an early breakfast! That's when he knew for sure his little plan failed. I tried to capture his expression on camera but this is all I got:

You can fool some of the animals some of the time, but you can't fool whippets any of the time.

You can't wear us out. You can only make us stronger.

Which is to say, put on your boots - we're ready for another walk!